I Went With My Heart & It's Not Working Out

When it comes to making big life decisions, I think. And think and think and think everything through. Think so much, in fact, that I can feel like my head is going to explode. Or my insides are going to burst. Or I'm going to go into an anxious spiral and end up losing focus of what's important.

It's not that I'm indecisive, I just have a habit of thinking really deeply about decisions. I go with my brain rather than my gut.

After college I decided that was going to change that. I was going to ~go with the flow~ and loosen up and "listen to my heart" more. That's what super cute, fun, spontaneous, adventurous girls on Instagram do, right?

But I made a big decision with my heart, and it's not turning out exactly how I expected.

Let's rewind: over the summer, I was offered two amazing opportunities in the same week. I couldn't do both, so I had to choose one. After a few sleepless nights, many, many pros-and-cons lists, and a million texts between me and my friends and mentors, I abandoned every aspect I spent time and effort thinking through and just. freaking. chose. I chose the opportunity that, when I thought of accepting it, made my heart happy. Made the pressure in my brain go away. I was relieved, excited, and little bit scared. In the moment, it felt right.

Flash forward six months: it's just not working out.

And I'm starting to feel that my gut, my heart, was wrong.

I'm not so much hurt that the first post-grad opportunity I took isn't perfect. It is my first job after all! I'm more disappointed that my heart led me in the wrong direction. If my go-with-my-gut decision ended up being the wrong one, what does that say about my instinct? My ability to choose based on what I feel? Future decisions I'll make?

---

Here is the conclusion I have recently come to:

It's totally fine that my first job isn't right for me. And I'm allowed to feel that pursuing this particular opportunity might not have been the best choice. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna continue to beat myself up over something that just happens to not be working out

Let's say I went with the other opportunity and it didn't work out either - or, heck, maybe it ended up being the most perfect opportunity on the planet! If you know me, you know I'd still be doubting myself over something, chewing over those unanswered "what if...?"s. I think about the different paths I could have taken. Which is fun, I guess, but also, a total waste of time in the big scheme of things. You can't change the past.

Regardless of where I am or what doubts I have, I think the important thing is to remember is I'm here. Here, and still doing life - having new experiences, making plenty of mistakes, and learning and growing every step of the way.

I chose what I chose for a reason. So obviously I'm right where I need to be for something.

I just have to keep exploring what that could be.