Okay so here is where I am in life

Remember in my first post when I said that I had a lot to say?

Remember how that was published like, two months ago (and I didn't advertise it until Monday)?

Since graduating college, I feel like I've lost part of my voice - part of my passion and drive. I chalked it up to working multiple jobs with slightly irregular demands, changes in my daily routine, and friendships separated by state lines and spastic schedules. But I'm beginning to think that I'm actually just in a really, really long post-grad slump.

When I moved home after college, I really felt that my typical suburban "hour outside of Chicago" hometown was nothing special and had nothing to offer. I had a dream of moving to Chicago, becoming super chic and independent, and exploring with my amazingly hip friends I would make at my amazingly hip job. But after realizing that my expectations would not be immediately attainable, I fell into some sort of post-grad, pre-depression routine.

Everyday I have a two-hour commute downtown, work at a job I'm still not totally sure about, commute home, teach dance at night and work at a restaurant on weekends. There was a streak when I was working between 60 and 70 hours a week for 57 days straight and it was so hard!!! At times, there's not a whole lot I looked forward to and I felt that I was having more bad days than good. And I, of course, constantly doubt myself.

I know, I knowwww. I did this to myself. Why don't I quit one of my jobs? Why don't I take a day off?

1- Loans and bills (😅)

2- I was afraid that if I did have free time, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. And I'm more scared of being bored than I am of constantly having something to do.

Let me rephrase: I'm more experienced with being so busy than I am with not having a lot to do, which is why I can get nervous when I have more free time. I always feel like I should be doing more.

So I chose to work all the time to, besides pay off the billion dollars I owe for my college education, avoid the uncertainty that is my potential free time.

Lame, I know. But stick with me guys.

Despite the constant chaos that is my life, I'm still learning, trying new things, and finding ways to enjoy stuff that I didn't have the chance to enjoy before. For example, each week I commute about 16 hours, which gives me a lot of time to read; I've read more books for fun this past month than I have in the past two years. I spend an insane amount of time planning my dance classes for my little ones. I take my dog on long walks every Thursday (Ranger and I got this on lock). I've been looking into starting my own business (who knows?). I suck at cooking so maybe my next venture will be learning how to fend for myself in the kitchen. Note the double emphasis on "maybe".

I've never been so busy and so overwhelmed with change in my life. There's a lot of readjusting, recalibrating, and revisiting old demons after college - even still 6 months out of college. I have a feeling it won't get any easier, things will just change.

But everything will be okay, even if it's different from what we already know, and I think we all (read: I) need to remember that more.